i'm depressed...and i feel hollow and empty and lifeless...i can't think straight anymore and i lie to people's faces...saying that i'm happy when i'm not. saying i'm fie when i'm not. saying everything's alright when it's not....i just...don't really know what to do right now....everything seems so foreign to me and i just feel like i've never seen some things before...every though i've probably seen those things everyday TT^TT it's just so...werid and i don't know how to act or feel or ANYTHING. my life is out of wack and it's not your fault or my fault. it's the fault of rumors and peer pressure and stupid people....
i've cried everyday for the past GOD KNOWS how many days...and Jennifer Chung and David Choi have been my soundtracks. their songs are everything that i am seeing and hearing and feeling and thinking and just....going through. and that's probably not that good cause i cry more TT^TT but oh well...hahaha
today was my chocolate day. i had double chocolate chip drink. i bought chewy chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies. i had rocky road icecream. they helped me feel better at school but i crack TWICE today... once for like ten seconds RIGHT before second period infront of Cara and i 'balled' at justine's house. robert comforted me too. gave me some bible verses that i'm going to check out soon (: he's so nice even though i don't know him that well.
this whole week i've been sleeping early and crying myself to sleep. i wake up with a tear stained face and i look at the mirrow. and i don't see ME...i just see a girl...sad and confused...with a hint of hope...hope that just MAYBE something might change. MAYBE things will go back to how they were. MAYBE i won't HAVE to get over it...MAYBE i won't have to cry anymore... just....maybe
i realized who my true friends are...the ones who ask me how i am...even though i've told them i'm alright. they ask me later to make sure...to check up on me (: to help make me feel better.
but...
maybe people ask/tell me 'want me to beat him up?' 'he's a bastard' he's a jerk' 'you'll find someone better' blah blah BLAH BLAH!!! and honestly. i DON'T want you to beat him up. he's NOT a bastard. he's NOT a jerk. i WON'T find anyone better....these past sixteen months were the best of my life. i wouldn't give up those memories for anything in the world. not even the chance to become a trainee for JYP and fulfill my dream. THAT'S how much i'm dead serious...i'll never forget these memories and these months were everything taht i ever wanted and could have hoped for. no one would have been able to see what i saw. they think that it wasn't that great or that it was...not worth it. but not through my eyes. through my eyes. they were a dream (: they were magical (: they were PERFECT...and i'm really going to miss them....
i just wish i could have been different...i wish that i could have done more...i wish that i could have said more...i wish that i could have opened up more...i wish that i could have told you SO much more...but it's too late now...and i regret that i didn't...
i'd keep going but this post would NEVER end...so ima just leave it here... i'd like to say thanks though...for everything that you've done and i mean EVERYTHING
and thank you to the following people for helping me through this time of low:
Alex, Andrew oppa, Cara, Duane, George, Justine, Madeline, Miss Shine, Owen, Robert, Sheenna, Travis...if i missed you i'm SORRY TT^TT these are the people i thought of on the top of my head hahah....thanks again everyone (: